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THE POETIC GENIUS OF RHYS GROGAN | ARTICLE

16.10.2019

BWRhysGrogan 950

The hit song that slags off everyone from this year's Skate of Origin.

Words by Nat Kassel. Photo by Daniel Farrell.

When it came to finding the soundtrack for Team Victoria’s Skate of Origin clip, Geoff Campbell decided to enlist the creative genius of Sydney skateboarder, Rhys Grogan, who’s in a band with his friend Luke called This Is Authority. Their music is quite experimental and not easy to define in terms of a genre. As Rhys puts it, “We don’t know what we’re doing, and every gig is a complete shit show disaster that resembles one of us publicly having a nervous breakdown while the other plays nonsensical, out- of-key, repetitive bass lines.”

Geoff’s brief for the song went something like this: “Can you make a stupid song for our Skate of Origin clip?” Rhys agreed and was then sent an official dossier of Thomas Robinson’s yet to be published photographs and some of Callum Paul’s ‘diary entries’ from the trip. From there, Rhys was able to piece things together with a fair amount of accuracy, wit and ruthlessness.

He compared the NSW van to a “Hillsong bus”, calling them “nerds” and documenting Floydos’s permanent departure from the sober NSW van after day two. Rhys then took aim at the Queenslanders for their apparent collective lack of intelligence, describing Mashy’s throat as resembling an “open cut coal mine” and suggesting the Queenslanders would have more success if they replaced Red with Andrew Currie. But the tounge-in- cheek song also takes aim at the Victorian team, labeling Geoff “pure scum”, accusing Lincoln Child of giving up and ultimately branding the Victorians as “parasitic, blood- sucking dogs”, worthy of third place.

Rhys is actually from NSW, so I wondered if he felt like a traitor, writing a song called, “I Am A Victorian” for the Vicco team clip. His answer was: “After our dismal state election earlier this year I feel no guilt about selling out NSW.” When asked if he was close with the guys he was ragging on, Rhys answered: “I’ve never met any of these guys in my whole life. Fuck ’em.” It seems that all these witty criticisms came fairly quickly for Rhys. “Geoff asked me to do the song and three hours later it was done,” he says. “I made it at home just screaming into my laptop.”

I recommend re-watching the Victorian team clip and following along with the lyrics.

So, without further ado, we bring you, “I Am A Victorian”.

“I Am A Victorian”
Boiling Hot Politician

The New South Wales van could be a souped-up Hillsong bus
The people that inhabit it are sober as a judge
Noah, Squish and Robert Pace, live in a state of fear
Know Dane and Jake will kill them if they touch a can of beer
Robert Pace wait, what was that at the end of your last part?
Smith to frontside boardslide, may as well have been a fart
The NSW nerds, they see Dane Burman as the chief
It’s no wonder on day two it meant that Floydos had to leave!

I’m not a cockroach, and I’m not a cane toad
I am a Victorian, a parasitic, blood-sucking dog!
Ricky Glaser carries us, and Lincoln Child’s bummed
Slaw and Kirksy on the memes, and Geoff is pure scum!

The Queensland team combined IQ of 165
You take out Jackson Pilz’s brain, it drops to 39
Jake Duncombe and Mashy star in Dumb and Dumber 3
Squish could also join in, but he skates for the wrong team
Mashy’s throat be lookin’ like an open cut coal mine
And productivity has reached a terminal decline
Things they wouldn’t be so bad, it wouldn’t look so bloody
If only Red had been replaced by surly Andrew Currie!

I’m not a cockroach, and I’m not a cane toad
I am a Victorian, a parasitic, blood-sucking dog!
Ricky Glaser carries us, and Lincoln Child’s bummed
Slaw and Kirksy on the memes, and Geoff is pure scum!

We’re locked in Conz’s garage, and we’re fuckin’ goin’ off!
Lincoln Child’s given up, and Geoff’s a drunken sloth
$3.50 scallop burger is the food that we all choose
Condition of our giant can resembles Duncombe’s shoes
Bryce, do you ride for Hoddle? Do you ride for Habitat?
The Bundy polar bear has had his genitals detached
One thousand metre boardslide by that filthy bastard Conz
Has guaranteed Victorians the glory of the bronze!

I’m not a cockroach, and I’m not a cane toad
I am a Victorian, a parasitic, blood-sucking dog!
Ricky Glaser carries us, and Lincoln Child’s bummed
Slaw and Kirksy on the memes, and Geoff is pure scum!

 slawjackogeoff final
Slaw and Geoff coax Jacko into repping Vic for a short bit on Skate of Origin. Photo by Thomas Robinson. 

“I Am A Victorian” on SoundCloud.